If you are trapped in a situation where everyday living is characterised by violence and substance abuse induced spousal acts, then you must seriously contemplate a divorce. Such a situation at the home front has a detrimental effect on the children. However, while filing in your divorce papers, prepare simultaneously to handle varied and unexpected child reactions to your divorce decision.
You might have often heard from friends and family that children dislike parental divorce and fantasise their parents being together again. Such an attitude is typical of children aged between 3 to 12 years. If your children are similarly aged, be prepared to handle similar, yet markedly different individual responses.
Child Responses to Divorce (aged between 3 and 5) As a parent, you might have often felt amazed at the rapidly increasing vocabulary of your four-year old. Children have tremendous cognitive development in this age and they feel that they are in control of a situation. When your child learns of your impending divorce, he or she might feel that their past misbehaviour is responsible for your divorce.
Do not be surprised if you see your child begins studying extra hard or tries to be constantly good. (It is a tremendous pressure on the young mind to perpetually keep up the 'be good' act.) Assure your child of your consistent love. This would help assuage unspoken fears and terminate the strife to incessantly behave well. When you ultimately divorce, your child would get tremendously upset for not being able to prevent the disunion. Moreover, your child would have loved your ex spouse.
The constant absence of the other parent induces great grief. It is also a common feeling among children that if one parent has abandoned them, the other might eventually leave them. Children, in this age group, find it difficult to word such thoughts precisely. As a parent, try to understand these unspoken fears which get conveyed through tears, attention-seeking techniques or disturbed patterns of hunger and sleep. Reassure and convince your worried pre-schooler of your undiminished affection and your resolve to never leave the family. If you fail to do so, unexpressed fear and anger get directed inwards and the child withdraws into self.
Nightmares and unpleasant thoughts would then become common occurrences. Remember that child responses to parental divorce vary with age. If you have another child who has crossed 5, be prepared to face reactions of a different nature.
Child Responses to Divorce (aged between 6 and 11) Your older child will also dislike the idea of your divorce and might promise to keep her or his room neat or affirm never to fight with the younger sibling. These pre-divorce acts reveal the desperation of the child to ease the situation at the home front and see that the divorce never occurs. Despite all efforts of the child, when the divorce is final and the family has split, the post-divorce phase induces the most unexpected of reactions. Your elementary school going child would be meeting different people and might come home and question you about controversial issues pertaining to divorce. Be prepared to face misdirected anger also at these times.
Actuated by sorrow, children often blame one parent for the divorce. Do not be particularly vexed, if your child reminiscences past times, or fantasises you living with your ex-marital partner once again. Face the situation calmly and speak to your child openly about the divorce. Explain why the divorce was necessary.
However, refrain from blaming your spouse, or revealing more information than required. Children always learn by viewing their parents. If you deal with the divorce positively, your child might behave similarly.
Moreover, you can solve any child-related problems by frequently expressing your love to your child, reading out at bedtime, respecting requirements for privacy, and indulging in other qualitative activities with your child. Children of different age groups might react differently to the disunion of their parents, but they all experience similar gamut of emotions. Their feelings border between rage, grief, sorrow, denial and anxiety. It is tough to handle a plethora of such unhappy feelings.
Be understanding. Children feel that divorce of their parents might also mean that their parents have divorced them. Dispel such pain by filling your house with love and security.
James Walsh is a freelance writer and copy editor. If you would like more information on how to get a quickie Divorce see http://www.quickie-divorce.com
